I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
