is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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