I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
