i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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