Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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