we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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