fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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