it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
