70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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