And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
