she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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