are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
