break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
