Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
