there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
