im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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