guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
