Soap is not a condiment
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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