I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
