You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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