i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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