it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
