I'm so fucking centered right now
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
