She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There r osticjed everywhere
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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