Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
