Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
