yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
