needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
