Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
