I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
