Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
