now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize