I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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