You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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