If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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