My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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