Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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