OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
