why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
