apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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