I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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