I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
