Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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