I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
