He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
