I accidentally had phone sex last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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