Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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