I'm jealous of your bromance
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
