Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
