I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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