Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize