Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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