I'm jealous of your bromance
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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