I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
