Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
