Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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