and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
