The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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